Catch Me If I Fall
by Pizzapig
Summary: Castiel has fallen, rating M due to swearing, trigger for mental illness such as depression.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter one _

_Disclaimer: none of the characters mine _

_Rated: k_

_please review and tell me what you think its okay im good with criticism  
_

It was whispered like a terrible secret through the plain of heaven, one sentence, so similar to the message repeated not so long ago "Dean Winchester is saved" but all so different, but related all the same. The sentence uttered and spoken among the angels was this one simple phrase "Castiel has fallen".

###

Castiel woke up on the hard asphalt road, looked around, his body aching and feeling all too human. The familiar weight of his once present wings missing, Castiel rolled his shoulders, accumulating the unfamiliar sensation of wind on his back. It was then that he noticed like his wings missing, his grace was also gone, but instead of being completely gone, it was replaced by the less bright but still brilliant human soul.

Castiel looked around trying to figure out where he was, finding the task more difficult then he imagined it to be. Without his grace to help centre and guide him, he found it an unpleasant situation, as when he had his grace he could instantly transport to where ether he wanted within the blink of an eye and know where he was. Now losing that power it came crushing down on him how difficult this new existence was going to be and he almost gave up, but he thought of why he fell and that one reason kept him going he must find Dean Winchester.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean shivered, a chill coursing through his body.

"What's wrong" inquired Sam.

"Nothing" said Dean "But I got the weirdest feeling something big has just gone down".

Sam looked at Dean strangely, then returned to his research.

After 4 days and 3 nights of traveling, Castiel was totally and utterly exhausted. So he was glad when he spotted a familiar sight, a 67 Chevy Impala. The one possession that truly and utterly belonged to Dean Winchester and embodied him in every sense of the word. It gave Castiel new determination as he trudged his way over to the car and collapsed against the door, passing out instantly with weariness.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey buddy get off my car" said Dean an edge of annoyance leaking through, "Buddy!"

Dean walked over to get a closer look at the guy that was passed out against his car, he wasn't prepared for the sight that greeted him.

It wasn't some random passed out drunk, but the angel Castiel. But that wasn't what shocked him, a sudden appearance of a missing friend, it was the state his friend was in, emaciated and utterly exhausted, Clothes hanging off of his skinny frame, ribs visible under his too big t-shirt.

"F***k" Dean exclaimed "He's human.'

Sam was out shopping, so it was up to Dean to drag Castiel into the motel and help him any way he could. There wasn't much he could really do, but he stripped him out of his dirty clothes, down to his boxers, and arranged him so he was comfortable in the bed to sleep.

Sam soon came back from procuring groceries, barging in and slamming the door.

"Shh" said Dean "He's sleeping"

"Is that Castiel?" exclaimed Sam with shock

"Shhh, not so loud, and yes it is"

"Wait, why is he here? And sleeping? In your bed? Angels don't sleep" puzzled Sam

"I don't think he's an angel anymore" explained Dean

"Wait, how?" said Sam "What have you done?"

"I don't know" said Dean " I didn't do anything. We'll just have to wait till he wakes up to find out"


	4. Chapter 4

After a long enough time to get Dean worried, Castiel woke up.

"My stomach feels weird" Castiel told Dean.

"In what way?" inquired Dean.

"It feels hollow and swishy and my throat is dry and scratchy"

"When have you last eaten and drank" interrupted Sam.

Castiel glanced over at the groceries on the table and thought about it.

"When I was an angel I did not require substances"

"But have you eaten since you were de-angeled?" asked Dean.

"No I don't think so" answered Castiel.

Sam then noticed how emaciated Castiel looked and he went about preparing him some soup.

Sam brang the soup over to Castiel in the bed, after a first tentative sip he practically inhaled it.

"Woah!" said Dean "Slow down! We don't want you choking to death on your first day as a human"

Castiel slowed down a fraction, but he managed to eat three more bowls before he was fully satisfied. He immediately fell asleep soon after.

Over the next few days Castiel slept, only waking to eat, and experience an awkward moment of Dean showing him when he's meant to use the bathroom. The few times Castiel woke he never made much sense, so the boys could never find out much information on why he fell.

When Castiel was finally coherent and well enough, the brothers started intensively questioning him.

##^##

"What do you mean you don't know why you fell?" Dean practically yelled At Castiel.

"Dean, I don't remember" Castiel said, avoiding Deans gaze, finding the floor very interesting all of a sudden.

Sam was leaning against the wall watching, as Dean get more frustrated and Castiel closed down. He could tell Castiel knew something he didn't want to tell Dean, and they weren't going to get answers with Dean bombarding Castiel.

" I think you should let up on Castiel" said Sam "He clearly cant remember anything"

"I'm just trying to get answers" replied Dean.

"You're not going to get answers if he doesn't have any, and it's not helping, badgering him while he's still recovering"

"Fine" exclaimed Dean storming out.

Sam looked out the window to see Dean drive off.

"Okay, what's really going on and don't bother lying to me" Sam told Castiel.


	5. Chapter 5

**_A/n I know horrible person, i left this story for ages, i'll try to finish it or at least update more often_**

"Nothing is going on" said Castiel as he fiddled with the edge of the blanket avoiding Sam's direct stare.

"Is this about Dean?" asked Sam, figuring from the way Cas wouldn't meet his stare it would be to do with the strange connection the angel and his brother shared.

Castiel was still not meeting Sam's gaze and fiddling with the edge of the blanket, so Sam got his answer, it was about Dean whatever caused the angel to fall.

Sam waited patiently, displaying a look of understanding that he used when interviewing distressed people while on a hunt.

Castiel could not bear the silence any longer, heavy with Sam's silent understanding.

"Here's the thing" Castiel started "No you see" Castiel took a breath calmed himself and started properly "When an angel falls for a human, he/she literally falls for that human"

##^##

"What does that mean?" Sam asked, then it dawned on him how could he be so stupid, it was staring him in the face the entire time "Castiel are you in love with my brother?"

By Castiel's being silent again Sam didn't need an answer, he knew it was the truth, Castiel was in love with Dean. Sam wondered if Dean was in love with Castiel, and why he had never told him before.

##^##

Dean was angry, how could Cas allow this to happen! To turn human! Fall from grace like that. It changed everything; everything! Cas was no longer an angel of the lord, but an human like him and Dean didn't know how he felt about that.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean had cooled off by the time he returned from his drive. He was a bit calmer by the time he arrived at the motel. When he walked in it was very tense, Castiel wouldn't look at him; and Sam kept looking at him and Castiel like he was in on something Dean wasn't.

After a while of this Dean couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay, whats up with you two. You've both been acting weird since I got back. Is there some thing I should know?" Dean demanded.

"Maybe I should leave you two to talk" said Sam grabbing the keys and walking out of the motel room.

"What did my brother mean by that?" Asked Dean sitting on the other bed facing Castiel.

"Um," said Castiel, harbouring a look half way between panic and general caginess "I don't know. How was your drive Dean?"

"Don't change the subject. You're going to tell me what's up; and tell me now" Dean knew what happened last time Castiel had lied to him, and he wasn't going to be deceived again. If Castiel was working against him. He wanted to be told straight up. He wasn't going to be played the fool again.

Castiel looked very panicked and even considered the implications of running out the door right then "_What if Dean rejected him? What if Dean didn't love him back? What if Dean laughed in his face?"_ Suddenly Castiel's breathing went weird and he was breathing in really fast, "Dean whats happening?" asked Castiel scared

"Oh shit man, I think you're having a panic attack"

"Come here" said Dean gathering Castiel near his chest. Not even thinking about it. Just doing what felt right. Like he did when Sam was little and had nightmares "You hear that; how I'm breathing. Listen to that and calm down. Breathe in when I breathe in; and breathe out when I do"

"Take a slow breath in; and another slow one out" said Dean as Castiel's breathing evened out. Even after Castiel's panic attack was long gone, Dean still held onto Castiel and he eventually fell asleep like that, holding onto Castiel for all it was worth, as through if he let go Castiel would shatter. Castiel looked down on Dean whilst he was sleeping and thought how peaceful he looked like that, all worry and anxiety gone from his face. Then because Castiel was taken with the moment of peacefulness he whispered "I love you Dean Winchester". For a moment it looked like Dean heard him, but he was just moving in his sleep, releasing his tight grip on Castiel and turning over. Castiel wondered why he couldn't just tell Dean when he was awake. Why the very thought of it brought on bad panic attacks. Castiel was still trying to figure this out as he to fell asleep now holding onto Dean, the one protecting him.

A few hours later Sam came back, cracking the door open slowly as not to get an eyeful of something that would require a ton of brain bleach, but what he saw instead was the most adorable sight, Castiel was holding onto Dean as they both slept. Sam noticed that he had never seen both of them ever look this peaceful and content... Ever. That was when Sam knew, they truly belonged together, and he hopped his pig-headed brother wouldn't mess this up or that Castiel would run from it.


	7. Chapter 7

A/n an unusually long chapter because when I get inspired i just write, so here you go.

The early morning sunlight lit up the room splaying across the two brothers sleeping. It was a peaceful sight. Castiel looked down onto Dean asleep in his arms and felt content the first time since he had fallen. Dean shifted and sighed, he was waking up but Castiel wasn't ready to let go yet. So he stayed where he was, hoping Dean would be happy to find him there.

Dean turned, and slowly waked up, looking into Castiel's face. His blue eyes were staring at him with that eerie stare he had managing to intensify over the years. Dean was happy for a moment, but then he fully woke up and realised what was happening.

"um Cas"

"Yeah"

"Why are you cuddling up to me like I'm your personal cuddly teddy bear?"

"Is there a problem" asked Castiel playing off confused, hoping he had misinterpreted what sounded like Dean rejecting him, like he sometimes did when Dean made confusing references.

Dean looked over at the other bed nervous that Sam would wake up at any moment and see this, Dean wasnt even sure what this was and why he felt so afraid of Sam seeing it.

"Its kinda awkward" said Dean finally setting on the reason why he was nervous "Guy friends don't usually cuddle up to each other."

"Oh" said Castiel hurt "Okay then"

Castiel removed himself from Dean getting out of the bed, the warmth seeping out of him, wrapping his arms around himself.

Sam woke up and looked over to the other bed, it appeared Castiel was upset and trying not to cry, and Dean was harbouring a look of closed off remorse.

"Is everything okay?" asked Sam.

"Yep, fine" said Dean "although I am a bit hungry." he said, grabbing the keys and making a quick get away, closing the door behind him with a click that echoed through the silent motel.

"Cas?" asked Sam, noticing Cas was still standing there, staring at the closed door, his arms wrapped around his boney frame, trying to hold back the tears.

"Fine" responded Castiel going into the bathroom and closing the door.

!~!

Once in the Impala Dean slammed his hand onto the wheel, driving fast, angry at himself, angry at Cas and angry at the world. He drove to forget, but he couldn't help but remember, why did he do that? it was dangerous. Even now the smell of Cas lingered on him. Dean liked women he didn't like men, "Damn Cas" he thought, "He always managed to sneak past his defences"

!~!

In the bathroom Cas had the water running but he wasn't in the shower, he was leaning against the door his forehead pressed against the wood, trying not to cry. But it was no use, "Stupid" Cas thought "Stupid! Stupid! He wasn't supposed to act like that. Dean didn't like him that way," Castiel slowly slid to the floor tears streaming down his face. The cold bathroom floor sending chills through his body, his head resting on his knees, the last few days taking their toll. He was crying now, curled up into a tight ball trench coat spread around him, lying on the bathroom floor. Castiel's tears ran across the bathroom floor, one after the other. Castiel watched them, streaming away into the distance, puddling at some unseeable spot.

Banging on the door stirred Castiel from the deep darkness he had fallen in for a moment "Cas, you okay in there, man you've been in the shower a long time." it was Sam, checking up on him.

"Fiiine." said Castiel wiping the dried tears away with the back of his hand, turning off the shower and opening the door.

When Castiel opened the door Sam noticed Cas was clearly was not "fine" whatever Castiel had been doing in that bathroom it was not taking a shower.

"You sure your okay?" asked Sam, pretending not to notice the dishevelled state Castiel was in; rumpled clothes, messed up hair, bloodshot eyes and a dried tear stained face, the all to familiar look of someone who had been crying and trying to hide it.

"I told you I'm fine." said Castiel, trudging over to the bed, pulling the covers back and climbing into the bed; turning his face away from Sam's worried stare. Surrounded by the smell of Dean, Castiel slowly fell back into a light sleep, after a while of just laying there wishing Sam would just go away, standing over him like a protective mother hen. But Sam was too worried to leave Castiel, he had seen when people were this low before and he knew he shouldn't ever leave them in this state. Sam wondered what Dean had done to upset Castiel this much. He was going to have a serious talk, once his brother had got back from wherever he had disappeared to. But in the mean time, he got his laptop out; glancing over to Castiel ever so often, fitfully sleeping.

!~!

Dean stumbled into someone "Sorry" he said picking himself of the guy he had stumbled into. But when righting himself again, he stumbled into the same man. The guy was easily irritable so he turned around and threw a punch at Dean. Dean didn't recall this very vividly afterwards, but later he found himself in a alley with a black eye and split lip. He realised he had been stupid enough to get beat up. He guessed he deserved it, at least for a moment it made him forget his own personal demons. Dean was still decidedly drunk, but not yet drunk enough. He stumbled into the adjoining bar to the alley, but they refused to serve him, telling him he was too drunk. Dean was outraged, He wasn't nearly drunk enough. Dean saw a pretty lady and decided to weigh his chances with her, she looked easy enough. He was right she was, and a few hours later he left the mens room, the smell of sex all over him, but it wasn't the same. Dean felt a sense of wrongness, but a few shots soon dulled that feeling. Dean was truly drunk now and about to pass out "Hey, buddy. You okay?" asked the bar waitress.

"Fine" slurred Dean.

"C'mon. Closing time" said the waitress.

"Okay" obliged Dean getting up and stumbling onto the ground.

"No way are you fit to drive" said the waitress "you can crash upstairs in my apartment." The waitress said grabbing Dean's wrist, she led him into her apartment.

"Thanks" mumbled Dean, half passed out the waitress lead Dean to her couch, letting him fully lose conscientious.

He woke up in the morning to the smell of breakfast and a mind numbing headache. Dean groaned, what fresh torture was this. "You're up I see." said the waitress turning the stove off, and putting the sizzling bacon to the side and coming over to Dean.

"You were really drunk last night, so I let you crash here."

"Thanks." said Dean "I'm grateful."

"Are you?" Asked the waitress raising an eyebrow "How about you show me how grateful you really are." Comanded the waitress inching closer till she was leaning over Dean, close enough to kiss. Any other time Dean would have taken her up on her offer but he was feeling used and dirty and he just wanted to go home.

"I just want to home if you don't mind." said Dean so low it was hard not to hear, if the waitress wasn't so close.

"Oh," said the waitress surprised and removing her self off of Dean. She didn't usually get refused. "Okay then, I'll just get my keys and drive you home then."

"It's okay, I've got a car." said Dean feeling awkward.

"No way am I letting you drive home in that condition, no offence but you are still totally wasted and I don't want the responsibility of you crashing into some tree on my hands."

"Okay," relented Dean, dragging him self up off the couch.

!~!

Sam was worried, people were not meant to sleep for that long, it had been almost two days. Dean hadn't returned and Castiel still hadn't gotten out of that bed. This was enough, Sam wasn't going to stand by and watch Castiel waste away.

"Get up!"

"What?" said Cas wearily.

"I said get up!" Said Sam pulling the blankets off of Cas.

It was drastic, but drastic matters were needed to be taken.

Cas protested, trying to cling onto the sheets, but after two days of refusing food and staying in bed he was to weak to put up to much of a fight.

Sam grabbed Cas by the hand steering him to the kitchen table sitting him still and poring some oatmeal into a bowl.

"Eat!" said Sam putting the spoon into his hand.

"Im not hungry."

"I said eat?" Repeated Sam giving him a no nonsense look.

Even though, Cas only took a few bites, fiddling with his food stirring it around until it was cold, and when Sam just took it away Castiel crawled back into bed. Sam gave up seeing Castiel wasn't going to eat, no matter how much he prompted him to. Sam sighed with worry, this was ridiculous where was Dean. Cas wasn't coping as a human, he needed Dean but Dean was no where to be found. If he wasn't back soon Sam would have to get Cas some real help, and stop just leaving voice messages and go find his idiot of a brother.

!~!

The coolness of the window felt good on his headache.

"Here?" asked the waitress annoyed as it appeared she had asked the same question a few times already.

"What?"

"I said is this motel?" The waitress said motioning with her hand.

"Yeah, it is." said Dean looking up through blurry eyes.

"Thanks." said Dean stumbling out of the door falling onto the pavement, but the waitress had had enough, she left Dean to pick himself up off his hands and knees and drove away.

"Good help you are." grumbled Dean, picking himself up and dusting himself off, walking in through the front door.

Sam dropped the mobile, trying to reach Dean again.

"Where the hell have you been?" asked Sam angrily.

"At the bar."

"At the bar." repeated Sam angrily.

"Yeah, at the bar. Whats the problem with that?"

"What's the problem with that." repeated Sam "The problem with that is you've been away for 4 bloody days Dean. 4 fucking days! No word! Nothing! You left me and Cas all alone. I was worried out of my mind. I would have dragged you back here ages ago but I was too afraid to leave Cas, afraid he would do something stupid if I left him alone. He has been hurting Dean, something is wrong with him and you tell me you've been at the FUCKING BAR" said Sam seething "I thought he was your friend, but you leave him when he needs you most. He just turned human a week ago, and you just get up and leave him to go to a bar. I expected better of you Dean."

"I didn't know." said Dean realising how selfish he had been, sinking onto Sam's bed "I didn't know."

"Well you know now, so get over there and do something about it." said Sam motioning to the unresponsive Castiel who was still laying in bed, staring at the wall.

"Cas, buddy. Everything okay" Cas didn't even blink "Cas." said Dean worried.

"He's not responding." said Dean looking for Sam to help.

"I know he's been like this for the past few days. Thats what I've been trying to tell you."

"What do I do?"

"I don't know, you figure it out, because I'm done. I've had enough, you fix it because I cant. I tried and I failed."

Dean was worried "How in the world was he meant to fix this?" he looked around for help but Sam had stormed out standing outside the door and the unresponsive Cas certainly wasn't offering any answers.


	8. Chapter 8

**_A/N this chapter is kinda sad with Cas sinking further into his depression, tell me what you think, might be triggers for people with mental illness. _**

"Cas, c'mon. Eat some. mmmm." said Dean lifting the spoon full of tomato soup to Cas's mouth. Though Cas just turned over and started staring at the wall again. "That's okay man. You don't have to eat it if you don't want to, but it would be great if you did." said Dean taking a deep breath to calm himself from the panic that was bubbling up. He didn't realised how bad Cas was. He shouldn't have just left him like that "If you don't want the soup we can get something else, anything else you want. Cas?"

"Its no use." said Sam walking back into the motel room "I've tried it all he wont eat a thing."

"Theres got to be something we can do." said Dean hopelessly.

"I don't think so. If he wont eat for you, I don't think he will eat at all"

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"Lets not do this now Dean. The point is we have to take Cas somewhere that can help him."

"We're not throwing Cas in loony bin."

"Dean its the only way we can get him better. Its not that bad, they can help him there."

"I said no. Okay. No. We can help him ourselves."

"Dean. Be realistic. Look at him, He isn't speaking or eating, and all he does is lie in that bed all day staring at that wall. If we don't do something soon he's going to die or become so depressed nothing could pull him out."

"Fine." said Dean seeing reason, "Let's go, I saw a place on the highway when we were driving in."

Cas wouldn't move so Dean had to pick him up and put him in the car, wrapping him in blankets because it was cold outside and Cas didn't have that much body fat anymore to keep him that warm.

"I don't like this man." said Dean casting worried glances at Castiel laying in the back of the Impala "This isn't right."

"It will be fine Dean, we'll take him inside and they will make him better."

"I still think we aren't doing the right thing. He should be with his family, not with a bunch of strangers" said Dean clutching the steering wheel tightly, glaring down the institute.

"I thought we talked about this Dean there is no other option." Said Sam gaving him a look that said be reasonable Dean.

Dean sighed, not having an explanable reason to keep Cas by his side. He got out of the car and opened the back door, picking up Castiel carrying him inside the institute, Cas was still somewhere else entirely.

"This place gives me the creeps."

"It'll be fine" said Sam repeating him self, as he was signing the check in papers and Dean was placing Cas in a wheel chair. Still too far away in his own mind to stand by himself.

"Well be back soon okay?" said Dean placing his hand on Castiel's shoulder and looking in his face? For a brief moment Dean thought he saw something in Cas's eyes but then it was gone, and he was back to that blank state, retreating somewhere inside himself that no one else could go.

"Castiel right?" said the nurse wheeling Cas away as Dean and Sam were left watching them go, Dean barely holding it together. "He had failed Cas." he thought "He had done this; another thing he had screwed up in his life; another person he had failed"

"Let's go." said Dean, walking away and getting in the Impala. He dropped Sam off at the motel and drove to the nearest bar. Sam watched him go standing at the motel his heart heavy with worry. "How did things get out of hand so quickly?" Sam thought "It wasn't meant to go like this," Sam just hopped Dean wasn't off somewhere blaming himself and drowning himself in alcohol.


	9. Chapter 9

The next few days Sam didn't really see Dean much. He was always disappearing, only to come back hours later, reeking of alcohol. This had gone on unrelenting for a few days now and Sam was getting really worried. He had tried talking to Dean about it, but both times he had completely shut him off, barging out the motel room to find another bar in which to drown his sorrows.

It was late one night that something finally broke. Sam woke up, suffering from bad dreams. He shook it off, and saw a light coming from under the bathroom door. Some dreadful sobbing noises were coming from behind the door. Sam slowly pushed on the door, making sure not to startle anyone, what he saw broke his heart. It was Dean, he was sitting on the bathroom floor, clutching Cas's trench coat and sobbing. This was what made Sam's heart break for his brother, he had never seen his brother act this way before and he didn't know what to do. Sam was silent as not to interrupt on this private moment. His brother still hadn't noticed him yet, too caught up in his own emotions. So Sam just closed the door quietly behind him, leaving Dean alone. He laid back down in his bed, but he was unable to get back to sleep.

A few hours later Dean came out of the bathroom drying his eyes, Sam was still awake, staring at the roof.

"Dean?"

Dean jumped a bit, he thought Sam was asleep.

"Yeah" replied Dean hesitantly.

Sam sat up in the bed and turned towards his brother.

"Is everything, you know, okay with you? These have been a few stressful days, with Cas getting ill and all, and I just want to make sure you're dealing with it all."

"What are we going to do now, talk about our feelings, have a sleep over and braid each other hair. Talk about latest fashions and hairstyles until our periods sync up."

Sam groaned inside, not again, another rebuff.

Though Sam could tell Dean's heart wasn't completely in it this time. He seemed weary, and Sam thought, if maybe he pushed a bit, he could get Dean to talk. Dean was still standing there not sure what to do with him self. He realised he was still clutching Cas's trenchcoat. That was embarrassing, he hoped Sam hadn't noticed, and if he did, he wouldn't mention it. He sat down on his bed, casually placing the trench coat next to him. Sams' eyes flickered over to the trench coat but he didn't say anything. He sat on the edge of his own bed facing Dean and tried again.

"Listen Dean, I know about you and Cas, okay; and I want to say it's okay. It's all okay, whatever you guys have got going on. It's okay." that was awfully painful and awkward, Sam thought. He said okay way too much. But he hoped he had got his point across, he was fine with whatever Dean had going on with Cas, he hoped Dean knew that.

"What," Dean sputtered "There's nothing going on with Cas and me. Why would you think there is? Are you insane Samantha."

Sam just gave him a look of under standing.

Sam was silent, that was new. He usually had a retort, that ended in jerk. Now Dean didn't know what to think. His defence mechanisms weren't working. He was just too fed up and tired for all this, he eyes still stung from crying before. He had hurt someone by denying whatever he was feeling and now it was time to let it go, before he hurt anyone else again.

"Im going out," said Dean, grabbing his coat and walking out.

Sam thought he had got through to Dean this time. He was the most infuriating person, "Why couldn't he just admit it already?"

Once in the Impala Dean noticed that on the way out he didn't just grab his coat but he grabbed Cas's trenchcoat as well. He put it in the passenger seat and sped off to his destination.

##~##

Dean arrived at his destination, head reeling and slightly drunk to take the edge off. The Rivermore institute for people with mental illness was completely dark; and locked up for the night; the patients locked in their room; and most off the staff home for the night. But a locked building had never stopped him before, and Dean wasn't going to let it stop him now.

Walking down the dim halls of the institute, the only sound he could hear was the sound of his footsteps resounding off the floor. Sneaking quietly, he tried looking for Cas's room, but he realised he had no idea which one it was. A shout was heard, and he nearly shot something. These halls were creepy enough and now one of the patients were shouting. Dean hoped he never became sick enough to be placed here. He didn't think he could handle being told what to do by anyone. The man was still shouting and he realised he knew that gravelly tone.

"Cas?" Dean called.

"Dean?" came the muffled reply from behind a door at the end of the hall way.

Cas's voice was raw from yelling out in the night, no one really cared. The last few days he had been getting horrible nightmares, causing him to cry out. A common occurrence at the Rivermore institute for people with mental illness. Cas came to learn there wasn't one night when he could get peace from all the yelling, and it was starting to wear on his mind. That's why he supposed he imagined Dean calling him. But even though it wasn't, (maybe) real, he couldn't resist calling back anyway. He could never resist when Dean called for him.

Dean finally got into Cas's room, after a while of trying to pick the lock. It was a tough one. Stronger than normal ones. Dean supposed it was to keep everyone safe, but majorly inconvenient for him. He burst into the dark room, his eyes were taking time to adjust to the change in lighting.

"Dean is that really you?" Asked Cas unsure.

Dean couldn't answer, Cas just sounded so defeated, not like him self at all. But he was speaking again. "So that was a good sign, right?"

"Dean?" Cas asked again. Now he was starting to cry, he tried rubbing his face furiously, but the tears just kept coming anyway.

Dean made his way across the room, tears leaking from his eyes as well. He saw Cas. He was rubbing his face hard enough to injure. He grabbed Cas's hands, taking then away from his face. Then he enveloped him in a hug, Cas was hugging him back as well, very tightly, as if he did let go Dean would disappear and leave.

"I thought you left me." murmured Cas into Deans' shirt.

"I wouldn't do that Cas, I wouldn't leave you here."

"But you did leave me Dean. I needed you and you left."

"Im sorry Cas. I shouldn't have done that. I was denying something before that I shouldn't have been denying. I'm sorry, I wont ever leave again, I promise"

"Don't make promises you cant keep Dean. It just leaves us all with broken hearts."

Cas let go of Dean, his grip loosening, and looked away.

"Hey Cas, look at me okay. I'm not going to leave, okay?"

Cas was still looking away.

"Damn it!" It seemed Cas was slipping again, back into the other place, where Dean couldn't go. Dean knew if he didn't do something in this moment Cas would be lost to him forever, Gone very far away. So he did the only thing he could think of that would have a big enough effect to wake Cas up. He turned Cas's head to face him and brought their lips together. At first Cas was unresponsive, unbelieving. Then with a sudden start, Cas woke up, the flames that consisted of Cas being brought to life again. He was kissing Dean back with a hunger. Dean would have whooped for joy if he wasn't kissing Cas.

They paused to gain a moment of respite, and started staring into each others eyes, tears were leaking from Cas's eyes again.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Asked Dean wiping the tears away from Cas's eyes with his thumb, tracing the curves of Cas's face in the process, wondering why Cas appealed to him so much.

"Im sad." said Cas blatantly, suddenly breaking Dean out of his musings.

"Why are you sad?" Wondered Dean.

"Im sad because I know this isn't real, and when I snap out of it you will be gone. Dust in the wind, A cruel memory, tainted by my hurtful mind. Meant to comfort me in this dismal place but in truth hurting me more, because I know its not real"

"Huh" said Dean gobsmacked, well this was an unexpected turn.

"You cant possibly be real." said Cas reasoning it out "The real Dean would never say that, would never do that. You are a figment my imagination has invented to comfort me in my last days. To deal with my separation from heaven. In fact maybe you have never been real, there is no Dean, only lonely old me."

"Listen to me Cas" said Dean leaning on Cas's legs and squeezing his knees, to prove that he was truly there "I'm real. This is real. What can I do to prove it to you?" said Dean hopelessly. Than a frightening idea occurred to him. But it was worth a shot, if it convinced Cas of his realness "Would I do this if I was imagined" said Dean kissing Cas again, till they were both panting and breathless.

"Probably, It still seems unreal."

"Damn it! Cas I love you, and that is real"

"That's precisely what an imagined Dean would say."

"Balls! Okay Cas, you don't need to believe this is real, but you need to trust me. Can you do that?"

"Okay" said Cas weakly.

Dean took Cas's hand, dragged him up from the bed, his legs swaying from the large dose of medicine he had received in this place.

Cas seemed like he was about to fall. So Dean brought him close to his body, slowly leaving the room, looking out for the nurses, as they made their way out of the hospital. They were almost out of the hospital, but it seemed luck wasn't on there side at all.

"Where are you going?" Came a shout from a male nurse "Return that patient to his room immediately."

"No can do buddy."

"What."

"I said I don't think so. Either you move out of our way, or I will move you. I'm taking my angel out of here, whether you move or not."

The male nurse knew that look. That was the look seen in some of the more unstable patients. The look of a dangerous person. So it was no surprise when the nurse moved out of the way. After all, he was one man, and not a very fit man but that didn't stop him from pulling the alarm.

"Shit!" swore Dean.

"Time to run Cas."

"Cas!" During that interruption Cas had fallen unconscious, the sleeping pills finally setting in. Things were about to get bad, but Dean wasn't going to leave Cas, even if he had to fight every single person here.


	10. Chapter 10

"No!" the nurse exclaimed frightened, shaking his head in denial, trying the alarm again. The alarm wasn't going to go off no matter how many times the nurse pulled, because what everyone didnt know was that Sam had followed Dean. He had seen the comotion through the window and cut the alarm that was wired throughout the hospital. Sam was grinning seeing everyones confused looks. Dean was looking relieved and the nurse just looked frightened. The nurse tried one more time pulling down on the red switch, but to no avail. He took one look at Dean craddling Cas who had fallen to the ground and took to his heels and ran off, too frightened to fight against the protective Dean who was looking 10 times more formidable than usual. Dean glared after the attendee's retreating figure, glad he hadn't started anything. Dean wasn't in the mood and would have probably teared the guy limb from limb without meaning to.

Dean patted Cas on the cheek, (as one does when trying to rouse someone) but to no avail, Cas was dead to the world, stone hard unconscious.

Dean knew he didn't have much time before the nurse came back with reinforcements. So he got up from the floor, Cas slung across his shoulders, and made it out of the hospital bumping into someone who was standing in the doorway.

"Watch it buddy!" said Dean getting on the offense, ready for attack from a potential threat.

"Dean."

"_How did this guy know his name_?" Dean thought confused, "_Though this guy did sound familar."_

"Dean, its me."

"_Who's me." _thought Dean, Then it clicked, "_That sounded like Sammy, but what was Sam doing here._" Dean at last looked up taking in that ginormous stature, "_Yes it was in fact his brother_."

"Sam, what are you doing here?"

"I Kinda Followed you. I was worried and I had to see if you were okay. That you weren't going to do something stupid. When you stopped here I was going to go back to the motel honest, but then I realised you might need me afterwards, for brotherly support after visiting Cas. So I stayed here waiting for you to come out. Then I heard some noise and I saw you were in way over your head, so I decided to help, using a pair of pliers I found in the trunk."

"That was you who cut the alarm."

"Yes."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"Um Sam?"

"Yeah."

"Cas is kinda heavy, so can we fast forward this "moment" we're having and get him in the car"

"We're taking him with us?"

"No, I just broke him out to see the flowers, of course we're taking him with us."

"Dean, do you think this is the wisest choice."

"He was suffering in there Sam, almost gone, but he got better when I came in, more himself ya know."

"Dean, we can't help him. We've already tried and look were it got us."

"It's diffrent this time, trust me. I can help him get better."

"Dean."

"Please... Just... Trust me."

"Fine, two days. That's all you're getting. If he hasn't visibly improve by then we're taking him back."

"Thanks Sam. Now help me carry this him to the car. I swear I've carried elephants lighter than this" said Dean, but it was less of an insult and more as a way of Dean saying he was happy Cas had gained weight, returning to a healthy weight range during his stay. It looked like that maybe things were getting better after all.

# #~##

"Where am I?" questioned Cas disorientated.

"Dean?" Asked Cas still blurry.

"Dean!"

"Shhh Cas, I'm right here okay?"

Cas calmed down, relaxing back onto the pillows, his head still spinning. Cas staring at the dirty motel roof, he raised his arms to the roof and started slowly waving his hands around, giggling, "_They were blurry, bright shapes_" Cas thought. "_Colours of the rainbow, blurring around, like a slow motion movie_."

"Sam, what did you give Cas?" asked Dean, noticing Cas wasn't behaving like his usual self.

"I don't know, A little out of that bottle, A little of out of this bottle." replied Sam holding up the bottles of pills as evidence "I just followed the instructions I swiped from Cas's file. As not to send his body into shock, from withdrawal."

"Well what ever you gave him it wasn't the right amount" said Dean indicating to Cas who was waving his hands around and giggling, laying in bed, trying to touch the roof, commenting on all the "pretty colours" ever so often.

"Hey Dean, come and look at all the pretty colours. Dean, they're so bright and... Bootiful... Very very very very very. Very. bootiful... Hey Dean... Hey Dean... Hey Dean."

"What?"

"Dean, Dean, Deannny, Deannnn, Deanoo, Dean"

"What!"

"The colours want you to play with me"

"Deeeeean"

"The colours want you to kiss me again"

"Deannnnnnn.

Deannnnnnn!

Kiss me again!" Said Cas sitting up, cross legged, looking eager like a child who's had too much sugar, and now was really hypo.

Dean flushed bright red, "Maybe later Cas" said Dean "I think you should get some rest"

But Deeeeeeaaaaannnnn I'm not tired, Deeeeaaaaaannnnn! Lets go on an adventure Dean! Let's see the stars Dean! Let's fly to the stars Dean! Visit my brothers and sisters Dean! Maybe father will come as well, he loves the stars Dean! Deeeeaaannn will you take me to see the stars, Dean!" said Castiel questioning serious expression on his face.

"Sure Cas" said Dean, trying to hold back laughter at his usual stotic angel behaving so irrationally "I'll take you to see the stars, if you go to sleep and take a rest."

"Okay." complied Cas laying back yawning.

"Hey Sam?"

"Yes buddy?"

"Deans going to take me to see the stars."

"I heard."

"Pretty, pretty, pretty stars. Aren't stars pretty Sam? The most pretty? Aren't stars the most pretty Sam? "

"Sure Cas, stars are" Sam sighed "pretty."

"Now c'mon Cas close your eyes, and (_hopefully this will wear off when you wake up_ thought Dean) tomorrow I'll take you to see the stars"

"Sam too?"

"Sam too."

"Good, we wouldn't like to forget Sam, make you sad. Stars get sad too when you sad, sad, sad, sad, sleepy sleepy sleep, sad" Cas fell asleep, crashing after the pills had finally wore off.

"Is he going to be okay Sam?" asked Dean quietly.

"I don't know Dean. I don't know. I told you we should have left him there"

"Maybe you are right, maybe I'm being selfish, and we should take him back tommorow, to a nice place where he can get all the help he needs."

"Dean?" Cas called out in his sleep, rolling onto his back, a nightmare inflicting itself upon Cas, another side effect of the strange pills it appeared.

"Dean!"

"Cas, I'm right here. I'm right here" hushed Dean getting in to the bed next to Cas to comfort him and still his cries. Cas cuddled up to Dean, his body loosing all the tension and relaxing back into sleep, a familiar presence by his side to still his troubled mind.

"So Dean" Sam said cautiously "Finally stop pussy footing around and admit you have feelings for Cas I see."

"Shut up." said Dean throwing a pillow at Sam.

Sam was trying not to laugh "It's sure been long enough, what is it? 5 years now, since you met Cas?"

"6 years."

"What? I didn't hear that."

"Its been 6 years okay."

"I gotta wonder, its been bothering me, how long have you been in love with him out of those "6 years" and not telling him. It would have saved you all a lot of pain if you admitted it sooner, and saved all the awkward moments of me having to endure you guys eye-fucking across the room."

"We did not "eye-fuck" across the room."

"This picture had to say different" said Sam pulling out a photo that had fallen out of Cas's pocket whilst moving his clothes, a photo that Sam had taken a long time ago whilst Castiel was still an angel. Sam had found a camera at a thrift sale, and was fiddling around with it taking photo's when Dean and Cas weren't looking as a joke, trying to capture them with weird expressions on their faces to use against Dean later. But when developed the photo's had turned out different then expected, revealing an unrealised attraction that both men held were secretly harbouring for each other. Sam didn't understand what he was looking at then, that he was staring at pictures that were evidence of people in love. When they all thought Cas had died in that lake Dean had burned all the photos. But Cas had secretly taken a photo before he had taken in the leviathans. Castiel had wanted it because it was "a nice photo" so he took it, not questioning why he liked it so much, but now knowing because it showed them unguarded, conversing freely. Dean had a small smile on his face, explaining to Cas what the phrase "Cat got your tongue" meant, and how it didn't actually mean a cat has got your tongue. Cas was mirroring Dean's stance and smile, not completely understanding what Dean was saying, but listening to Dean attentively anyway, interested in everything he had to say, even if he didn't understand it all.

Dean threw another pillow at Sam, wondering himself how long he had liked Cas like this, realising it was probably right from the start. He turned into Cas making him cuddle closer. Dean was trying to make Sam shut up by hiding his head, feeling Cas's warm breathe on his face.

"Do you know right before Cas sank into this depression he admitted something to me? concerning you" Sam started.

"What?" asked Dean unfathomably.

"Well, he told me, the reason he fell." said Sam pausing unsure if he should be telling Dean this.

"What? don't leave me hanging here."

"Well, maybe it not my place to say."

"Just spill it Sam."

"Well, he told me the reason he fell was ... Well, because, he was in love with you."

"He fell because he was in love with me." Dean repeated feeling guilty looking over to the sleeping Cas wrapped up in his arms. "_Cas had fallen because of him_."

Sam saw the look on Dean's face and he knew he said the wrong thing, "_Damn_ _it_" he thought. It had been praying on his mind all this time but sometimes he didn't know when to shut up and keep it to himself.

Dean tried to move away but Cas was still holding on to him tightly so Dean relented, laying there, worrying, thoughts going over and over in his head, of how he had ruined Cas's life and how he was the reason Cas had lost his grace.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N The Ending, thanks for my lovely reviewers who've stuck with this story and my terrible grammar.**

Dean lay there all night, turning over in his mind all his thought's until he had convinced himself he was no good for Cas. So when Cas woke up Dean had a stormy look on his face.

"What's wrong?" Cas asked, immediately noticing the brooding look on Deans face.

"Nothing's wrong." replied Dean lying, changing the subject not ready to say goodbye to Cas just yet. "Lets go outside, we've been inside for too long, its getting stuffy and boring. C'mon. Sam checked online before he went out and he saw there would be a meteor shower tonight. I know the perfect place to watch it. Lets go see some pretty stars Cas" said Dean grabbing his jacket.

Cas blushed thinking of his earlier behaviour.

"Dean I want to tell you those were very strong pills and I cant be responsible for my actions whilst taking them."

"Sure thing cassy, casmister, castiel, cas, the bootiful colours all gone now."

Cas flushed again, hitting Dean with a pillow.

"Oh no you don't" said Dean picking up a different pillow and hitting Cas back. Cas was grinning, the pillow fight was was on and it was about to get messy. They kept hitting each other with the pillows, feathers flying through the air sticking to their clothes and hair. they kept whacking each other with pillows till they were puffed out and Dean had pinned Cas to the Bed, making out with him trailing kisses all down his body.

##~##

An hour later Cas followed Dean out of the motel, feathers still stuck in his hair, Dean laughing pulling them out and tickling Cas with them, earning genuine joyful smiles from Cas, a rare sight in the last few weeks.

They got in the impala, driving to an empty parking lot that looked out over the city. Dean cracked open some beers giving one to Cas, but he refused putting it to the side. Dean drank his, contemplating on his previous gloomy thoughts once again. The chill night air was sinking into his bones making him that much more pensive. He downed the first beer quickly grabbing another one.

Cas leaned back on the hood of the impala, looking at the meteors stream across the sky, thinking of simpler times, he intwined his and Deans hands together, sensing something was upsetting Dean.

"Cas we need to talk"

"_Uh oh_" Castiel thought, he didn't like Deans tone, it reminded him of all the times Dean had distanced himself from something to avoid being hurt.

"What about? Don't we always talk?" Castiel asked confused to Dean's question, why was Dean acting this way when Cas was happy at last.

"Yes. No. Um, we need to talk about this thing we have goin' on between us."

"Oh, our relationship you mean." asked Castiel still confused

"Yeah, um, Cas, it's not really working out. Wouldn't it be better if we just stopped this thing? Before it's harder to say goodbye and walk away?"

"No"

"Huh"

"I said No, Dean Winchester! You've done this to me once, and I'm not letting you do it again."

"Whatever you are thinking, Stop it! because I'm not letting you go, Not this time. You aren't leaving me again."

"Its for the best."

"The Best! The best for whom Dean, not best for me, and certainly not best for you! So who would it benefit really if we stopped "this thing we have going on between us"."

"I made you loose your grace." Dean blurted.

"What?"

"I was the reason you fell."

"Who told you that?"

"Sam."

"_Damn Sam_" Cas thought, "_Couldn't he mind his own business_." "Dean you are not the reason I fell. I fell because I love you, you didn't make me fall Dean, but rather what I felt for you.

'and it is foretold that any celestial being who needs a human more than thee needs heaven, thee father or thee self, shall therefore fall for thee human, soul mates forever more, thee will be mated for thee life, till the day the gates of heaven will open and thee soul mate and celestial being will be united in the fields of heaven forever more' it was unavoidable, even you can't control how I feel Dean."

"You love me?" said Dean, he kinda knew but it was different when it was said out loud like that.

Cas kissed Dean, the meteors lighting up the sky behind them, the chill air all but forgotten as they warmed each other "Don't ask stupid questions" Cas replied.

Dean grinned kissing Cas again, maybe Cas was going to be alright, maybe not. Only time would tell, but for now they had each other and that's all that really mattered. Between kisses Dean vowed never to doubt that his and Cas's relationship was right again and Cas vowed to never let go of Dean, for the many years yet to come.

Cas never did let go of Dean, and Dean never left Cas. They grew old together, adopting a bunch of children, having grandchildren. Until one day Dean, old and warn out, laying in their own bed, (because he wasn't going to die in a hospital where the nurses weren't even hot) holding onto Cas's hand, he just slipped away. Smiling looking at Cas's face, worn with the years, each memory etched into his face like a painting, eyes still shining through. The last thing Dean ever saw was Cas looking at him with his blue eyes. Cas was still clutching Dean's hand long after he passed, staying true to his word, when he said he was never going to let Dean go. Till eventually he just lay his head down on the bed, cuddling up to Dean and slipped away too. Their wedding rings sparkling in the morning sun, clutching each others hands, they could be sleeping such peaceful looks on their faces.

In heaven they walked through the golden gates as foretold, hand in hand; young once again; hugging family members; smiling 100 watt smiles, young and youthful once again, angel and human, peaceful and content, united in the fields of heaven.


End file.
